Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Twelve Days of Sunday Boyfriend Christmas: A Different Take on a Classic

The Twelve Days of Christmas…you’ve no doubt heard this song a billon times over the years. If you’re like me, however, after day five, the order of gifts gets a little fuzzy. Was it eight or nine maids a milking?  And really, why did his true love need eight maids a milking anyway? This particular gift really made no sense to me, regardless of the number of milking maids. Because one: why would you need so much milk? And two, in this day and age, one woman multitasks so much that she usually does the work of a dozen women on a daily basis; so wouldn’t one milking maid be enough? These are the questions that pop into my head.

So after hearing this song for the billionth-plus-one time, I thought it might be fun to look at the song from a Sunday Boyfriend perspective. Enjoy!

Day One: A Partridge in a Pear Tree. What is one supposed to do with a bird in a tree? How did a bird, flying around indoors free and easy, become a great gift idea? Here’s a better idea: A fruit basket delivered by a 20-something David Cassidy. It’s more nutritious (in many ways) and less messy.

Day Two: Two Turtle Doves. C’mon…more birds?! You’ve got a thing for birds? Well, we’ll try to channel that in different ways in the upcoming year. In the meantime, turtle chocolates are better. They are tasty and sweet just like Sunday Boyfriends should be.

Day Three: Three French Hens. Oh sweet Lord! Please forget the birds. Unless, of course, they are being served with a lovely reduction sauce on a dinner date you’re planning. Then, and only then, is this a great gift.

Day Four: Four Calling Birds. Again with the birds? I’m beginning to think you need to talk to someone about your bird fetish. How about we just give each other a call now and then when the mood strikes? I think that’s a better Sunday Boyfriend gift.  Thanks.

Day Five: Five Golden Rings. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Moving a little fast there aren’t you, buddy? I mean were you unclear on the idea of Sunday Boyfriend? It’s supposed to be a comfortable and always-there-for-you-when-you-need-it-type of relationship…not a rush to the altar. That’s not what I’m looking for. Splitting an order of onion rings at the next tailgate party is more appropriate. Okay? Okay.

Day Six: Six Geese A Laying. So, I get that maybe your feelings were hurt with the comment about the rings and you’re making a point with more birds. Let’s talk about this like adults rather than being passive aggressive. Passive aggressive behavior is a definite turn off and will more than likely result in an instant ex-Sunday Boyfriend status. Just sayin’…

Day Seven: Seven Swans A Swimming. Ah, yeah…we’re done.

Day Eight: Eight Maids A Milking. Was this a gift for me or you? Because right now, if you’re trying to make it up to me, sending eight women who know how to milk cows really isn’t my idea of saying, “I’m sorry.” It really says, “I can get eight women to dress up like milkmaids for me…so take that!” But no worries, I offered some cookies to all of them and then we shared some stories and some laughs.

Day Nine: Nine Ladies Dancing. Okay Mr. Sassy Pants, now I know you’re being petty. I’m beginning to wonder what the heck made me think you were SB material. Live and learn I guess.

Day Ten: Ten Lords A Leaping. Now this is better. Ten Baryshnikov-type dancers are much, much better. All that athleticism, grace, dedication, and muscles…super! Who knows, maybe I’ll find a new Sunday Boyfriend, or two. I’ll be sure to send a thank you card to you for this one.

Day Eleven: Eleven Pipers Piping. Wow! By sending 11 talented musicians to me you’re either trying to make me think you’re not a bad guy or you think I’m all that and a bag of chips. Either way…you’ve got my attention.

Day Twelve: Twelve Drummers Drumming. How did you know I have a thing for drummers? Being the timekeepers, maintaining a steady beat and rhythm for others to follow, they are really leaders. And I think people who put themselves out there in leadership roles are not only gutsy, but also attractive. And here you are sending 12. You must be really confident in yourself to send all this loveliness to me. I mean not every guy can hold his own among the Dave Grohls and Keith Moons of the world. Nice!

All right, I think I’ll keep you as a Sunday Boyfriend. But you seriously need to talk to someone about the bird thing.

As always, be good to yourself, your Sunday Boyfriends, and stay comfy.

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